Dancing, death and a lot of unexpected bills have been getting free rent in my head for the last few days. Tonight was Ammba's yearly dance recital. This morning was the school expo that shows what the students have been working on all year. Last night my dog of 16 years past away. Though I feel normal grieving pangs, I 'm also buoyed up with the gratitude that Cherek had an amazing life and her loved ones were there to hold her in her last moments. I actually could feel her soul pass. Something beautifully sad and freeing as she let go from her final struggle. I've been in a strange in between place all day. It becomes very easy for me to start thinking of myself as different or unique. This thrusts me into a place of comparison and judgement. When I get like this the best thing for me to do is to reach out and make an effort to help someone else. It doesn't really matter who or what I do in order to be helpful. By allowing myself to be of service to others I am magically freed from this melancholy prison I've built. As I review my day I realize that there were moments when I focussed on others instead of wallowing in my own in my problems. So Ammba did wonderfully and shined as the dancer that's inside of her. The school expo went smoothly even when a potential awkward moment presented itself. So all in all today in and of itself was just fine. It's me that tries to throw the baby out with the bath. It's astonishing the power of negative thinking and its subsequent downward spiral that can virtually obliterate any hope for something positive. For me it crashes through all the positive things I've built and starts finding blame and fault regardless of provocation or reason. Ironically even knowing I'm in this place triggers an even stronger sense of self recrimination and intolerance toward everyone and everything. The advice I give my daughter is to treat these powerful feelings like you would a good friend who is behaving badly. Tell them you're sorry they are having a bad day, but that you are choosing not to join them. Ahh the wisdom from the armchair that flows so free and easy. An example of this was yesterday when I went to pick up my daughter at a new house. I asked her to please wait outside so I could find it. To make a long story short she was trying but couldn't open the lock. The mother of this house came out to chastise me and comment on my poor parenting in front of my daughter. Had I not seen the look of frustration on Ammba's face at the fact this woman was making things not only worse for her , but for the whole situation. I bit my tongue and said "Thank you and good bye." as we drove away. I was shaking mad and felt like taking it out on her. When suddenly I tried a different track. It went like this: Pulling over and parking in blockbusters parking lot. I said "Ammba I understand that you did everything you could and that it's not your fault or even Wilmas for that matter. This has to do with feelings. Do you like to talk about feelings that you're not proud of or wish you didn't have?" Ammba face relaxes as she realizes she has been validated and is not in any trouble. She replies "No Papi you know I don't. Usually you have to drag them out with that magic key you have that unlocks the feelings vault." I say " What do you do when you know I'm mad and pretending not to be?" Ammba smiles and says " Hey Papi I got one too don't I?" I say " Yes you do. It happens to be the same key. The one of trust and honesty. So I want to share what I felt and why. For some reason when I say them out loud to someone they lose their power over me." "Papi, so by telling your feeling it's like the universe recognizes them for what they really are. They're feeling and not facts right?" I smile warmly and I reply "Somebody has been paying attention at meetings haven't they?" Ammba says " Yes and stop stalling, spill the goods daddyo." I say " O.k. When mommy and I broke up she kept in touch with all her old friends who used to be my friends too. So there are times I feel left out, even if I really don't want to be in that environment. For example whenever I pick you up at Cranky's house. He acts weird and won't let me in even though we used to be friends, and feel fine just walking into my house whenever he wants. Today triggered those feeling and I got mad. The heart takes longer to understand than the head." Ammba says " Did you see my face I felt like screaming 'Wilma shut up, you're just making it worse.' I knew you were mad. That's why it's so important to always tell each other the truth." I say "I couldn't have put it better myself" I get out of the car to go into Blockbuster when I realize I left my keys in the ignition. Ammba is just getting out and I say "Ammba don't shut the door. She pretends to shut it and I say again " Ammba really don't please don't shut the door." She smiles and makes a big defiant gesture of shutting the door. I yell " No, what are you doing? I told you not to close the door." I see her face as it dawns on her that I was telling her the truth. She says "Papi I thought you were playing opposite day with me. Laughing so hard I'm coughing i say "I know and what if I said 'don't close the door'?" She laughs and says " Nope I still would have closed it. It's funny isn't it?" I say " Absolutely now see if you can get you arm in the small crack in the window." Ammba is on tip toe with her arm in the window only millimeter away from the lock. Finally she pops it and we are back in business. Driving to the pizza parlor Ammba asks "Papi remember in New York at Union Square when I had to pull you away you were so mad? I used my key then didn't I?" I say "You sure did kid. It went like this: One fine summer day just before twilight we were walking in Union Square enjoying all the madness going on around us. The are vendors selling everything from miniature kites to costume jewelry. There's a band playing with a large group of people dancing. There's an impeach Bush rally and bunch of other stuff. I start to take pictures and suddenly some Rasta guy yells from across the square " Picture bwoy da jest stop dat fore I come dover der und mak you sorry mon" I 'm not paying attention because he's so far away . I see through the lens that he's running towards me " Dats it mon you don lahst you mine mon. I gonna teach you a lesson mon! and yowa little gurl too mon!" I realize now he's talking about me and threatening Ammba. I start towards him with the expressed intent of putting him down quick and hard so he doesn't get up. He in my face and suddenly Ammba jumps in between saying " Papi no" I push her behind me and get ready to pummel some Rasta rage into the ground. Next thing I know she's between us again saying " What? Are you going to kill him? Right in front of me. If not then lets go. NOW PAPI" I see the guy yelling and realize Ammba's right what the hell am I going to do? The first rule of adult fighting is don't get into it unless you're willing to finish it so there are no rematches. I had explained this to her as to why most adults don't fight. Not that they're scared , but rather that there is no end or rules involved. The Rasta guy is yelling "Datz right mon yowa litts gurl save yuh today. Yuh du had a meetin to see jah mon and die da driver bati bowa to take you dare.". Ammba has my hand and we are walking away calmly. She looks at me and sys " Meeting, now papi , before you end up starting world war 3. I went to an A.A. meeting and dealt with my feeling. Somebody said " Anger is just a fancy flashy suit for fear. It's not even in season." It was what iIneeded to hear. I'll never forget that . So when I get mad now I try to ask myself "Jody what are you afraid of?" Ammba and I look at each other and say "Feelings, the uninvited guest to the party." Well that's it for tonight. Thanks and good night. Jody
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